Relationship Crisis and Motivational Change
A relationship crisis can be a huge motivator for change if two people will use it.
When two people are having a struggle in their relationship, history is always a factor. This is the history of their relationship and the cumulative experiences they share because of the interactions they have had with each other.
That history will be perceived as things “you did to me or I did to you” and will represent all of the justifications for the struggles being experienced now.
The history will appear to establish two things: 1) Familiarity, and 2) A track record. Familiarity is often a formidable obstacle because each knows the other, at least to some extent and for relationships that have been going for some time, that knowledge will be extensive. The track record is the accumulation of experiences in interactions and the predictability of how those interactions transpire. Because of the experience, expectations have been set and because of the current struggle, the expectations are very likely to be negative.
I was working with a husband and wife. For over a decade, the marriage had been struggling sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. There were many contributing factors, but the significant ones were that the husband had not been living up to a minimal set of expectations that his wife had and then the wife decided to go elsewhere to find things she felt were missing in her life. The relationship was falling apart.
The crisis is not necessarily a bad thing because it is such an effective wake-up call to the relationship partners, but it is a dangerous time because either or both can easily conclude that they have had enough and want to end things. The justification for heading down the path of ending things will be promoted by familiarity and track record. One or both will conclude, “I know you and you will not change.”
The crisis is a huge motivator for change, but the problem is most often that one or both relationship partners will not take advantage of this motivational gift that has just been dropped in their laps. Motivation for change is the thing they have been wishing for and hoping would happen for years and now that it is here, they respond in entirely the wrong way. The possibility of change has motivated their hope for a long time, but in the crisis, familiarity and the track record swoop in and convince them that change is not possible. In fact, they will point at the crisis as evidence. They will declare that the crisis was caused because there has been no change and they will likely be right that it did cause it.
However, as I said, a crisis is a huge motivator for change so I try very hard to help people at least consider using it to make things better.
In the situation I was describing above, the husband had a life-changing moment of clarity. He could see what he had been doing and wanted to make changes in himself. I am convinced that accompanied by a supporting companion, he can make those changes. The huge advantage he has now is that he is using better facts and he has better wants.
The challenge is that the wife reached a snapping point. Familiarity and track record finally convinced her that change was not possible so her wants changed and she went elsewhere. Now his wants are better, but hers have left the relationship. Getting her to want to come back is a steep mountain she has to climb. The crisis has provided what she always wanted, but her wants changed before the crisis arrived and now to bring them back is hard for her especially since her new wants are for things attractive, alluring, and immediate.
Center Path can help them both back to a very productive and rewarding relationship and it could have helped them divert away from and avoid the crisis if they had been focused on it prior, but sometimes the crisis is needed. A crisis can be massively productive if those involved will use it.