Just Friends
When is it OK for spouses to have a relationship they call "just friends" and when is it not OK?
I would like to tell you about a couple whose marriage was strained to the point of breaking. Both had contributed to the strain, the husband through an extended period of lack-luster follow through and the wife through stepping outside the marriage, developing an external relationship, and pursuing it to an inappropriate point.
Through talking, both agreed to step back from the brink of divorce and they both agreed to try and work things out. The husband was making significant effort to change. The wife wanted to keep the external relationship saying that she should be allowed to since they were “just friends”.
I have seen this circumstance in a number of other cases. The claim of being “just friends” was taking place both before the moment of crossing the line and after. So I want to talk about when “just friends” would be alright and when it would not.
Going back to the Relationship Maturity Model™, you can see that a relationship develops in stages. Those stages are observable based on the level of contribution both relationship partners are willing to contribute in the course of their interactions.
I refer to them as levels of contribution, but actually they are levels of value. As a relationship develops and matures, the value of the contributions they two partners are willing to make to each other increases. (You can read more about this in chapter 4 of Center Path Relationships.)
A functional marriage should operate at level 5. A productive marriage should operate at level 6. If there is strain in the marriage then it will operate at 4 or 3 and lots of strain could push it to level 2.
A friendship usually operates at 3 or 4 and an amazing friendship operates at 5.
When the value or quantity of those things shared between friends matches or exceeds the things shared between spouses, then that relationship can no longer be labeled as a friendship. Now that person has become more.
A marriage agreement is a commitment between spouses that they will always consider the other to be first, particularly in relationships. Friendships are OK, but they can never become first. This means that the value and quantity of things shared between them will never be matched or exceeded in any other relationship.
Now let’s go back to the couple and the wife who wants to be just friends with her friend.
She has pulled her relationship back with her friend to a level 4 which is appropriate for friends. It was a high level 4 in that the two of them shared quality time, effort, and energy with each other.
Back in the marriage, she would say that she was exhausted and emotionally drained and did not want to be pushed because of the history that she needed to get past with her husband. Again, this would be naturally expected. She would say that he needed to be thankful that she was staying, that she was there, and that she was willing to try. In normal circumstances, this would be good progress and the two of them could work together to rebuild their relationship and mature it through the levels of the model.
However, she was contributing at level 2, barely.
Thus the problem and the huge counterfeit. She justifies the friendship because it is back to operating at level 4. (There is definitely a trust issue with the husband because the wife was willing to cross the line at one point in the relationship with the friend, but let’s set that aside for the moment.) This is where friendships should be. Since it is, she can declare that they are friends and she would be right in her declaration.
The problem is that her marriage is operating at level 2. The friendship is operating at a level higher than the marriage. This is why the declaration of “just friends” feels wrong to the outside observer and is wrong inside the strained marriage.
Once the marriage was functioning well at least at level 5 and the trust issues were resolved, then a level 4 friendship can happen and not be a threat to the husband or the marriage.
Most people looking in feel that it is not right and the husband was definitely having problems with it but was at a loss to explain why.
This is such a beautiful example of a counterfeit. Remember that a counterfeit has the appearance of being right but is not.
An interesting side note: The wife would come to me to talk and would say that she was numb and did not feel anything. Later she said that she felt depressed. My observation is that a person cannot expect to experience happiness while they are doing things that they know are not right. It does not matter what moral or ethical compass you choose to follow, once you cross a defined line, you have crossed it no matter how hard you try to justify it or relabel it.
The more interesting thing that I believe comes from this is the husband and the outside observers all feel that something is not right yet none of them could say what it was. I find it interesting that it can be easily explained as a violation of the relationship principles. You cannot violate them and expect a positive result.